What Else Could Be True?
The following is an excerpt from a newsletter published May 2nd, 2024
I want you to be kinder to yourself.
One way to do that is to tell yourself a fuller story.
(In narrative therapy it's called “thickening a thin narrative”.)
The next time you're being hard on yourself for “never” or “always” doing something… Or you're worried about what someone else thinks… Or you're convinced no one is buying your work because of X…. ask yourself what else could be true.
Yes, maybe you did end that working relationship poorly. Yes, maybe you did quit that project. Yes, maybe that client is disappointed. Yes, maybe they DO think your work is expensive!
But do you always end relationships poorly? Do you actually quit everything? Does making a mistake mean you're going to lose the client? Is price honestly the only reason your product/service isn't selling?
What's the fuller story here?
What ELSE might be true?
I don't want you to prove yourself wrong (by looking for evidence that what you're thinking ISN'T true). I simply want you to notice and name what else might be at work here.
That's true kindness.
A few other things worth nothing as we head into self-compassion territory:
— Compassion isn't coddling
Being compassionate toward yourself isn't the same thing as “letting yourself off the hook” at every discomfort.
Compassion doesn't avoid discomfort, it acknowledges it exists.
Compassionate self-talk is warm and realistic (h/t Heather Morrison). It's treating yourself as the capable adult you are.
— Correlation isn't causation
Many of us worry that if we stop being hard on ourselves, we’ll never get work done. “If I stop forcing, nothing will happen.”
Consider that forcing is not the core reason you’re getting stuff done.
What else is at play when you're doing your work? Who are you or how are you showing up when you're doing work you're most proud of or satisfied by?
Look for other clues.
— The expectations you hold shape the world you see
What expectations do you hold for yourself and others? What stories are you telling yourself?
Be mindful of them and, perhaps most importantly, be willing to investigate and update them.
Here's an exercise to try:
Write down your name (or the name of an employee, client, business partner, etc.). Then write down the first few words/phrases that come to mind about them.
Interesting! Do those descriptors feel true? Does any of it feel outdated? Or terribly unspecific?
Maybe “They always let me down" needs to shift to >> “They let me down a few years ago and since then their actions have proved they're reliable and communicative.”
“I'm bad at marketing.” >> “I don't enjoy social media and I'm inconsistent with it. I do love having connection calls with others and that consistently leads to new work, which is great marketing!”
Update your sense of self! Let others be new to you! Get specific and give yourself some damn credit! 😅
Related: Where are you unpracticed?
Try it! Take one thought that's dragging on you. Write it down. Ask yourself what else might be true.
Practice greeting yourself warmly.
The world is a better place for it.
— Kate
P.S. What does the header photo have to do with this newsletter? GOOD QUESTION. Joy! Laughter! Lightness! If the past month has taught me anything, it's to start from that place. The hard stuff will come. May as well show up from basic goodness.
P.P.S. Related—as I was writing this newsletter a Ram Dass quote came to mind, “You can do it like it's a great weight on you, or you can do it like a dance.”
If the work is going to happen either way, may as well be kind to ourselves as we're doing it.
